Im so sad all the time and no one knows. I don’t want to exist and I don’t want to wake up to face another day. Every day is the same. I feel like I have no right to feel that way. I worked hard and I built a good life, but the whispers of past days haunts me now even in my waking moments. I can’t push memories away any more and more and more they swallow every thought. Like an obsession, and it feels like it’s my fault, why can’t I just be grateful? Why can’t everything just be enough? What does more even look like? But I walk through life an orphan, second guessing every step, every choice is just me vs the world and one wrong decision tears it all down. I have no home to go back to if I fail. There is no room for failure, only perfection. If I can’t be perfect, then the people who rely on me suffer. Every time my child cries or is unhappy, I am brought back to a moment where I felt not just alone and unloved in life but also in danger. And I’m so scared to make my kids feel that way. I’m so lost in thoughts I can’t control, and voices that scream so loud at me all the time, that I yell back at my kids and see the reflection of fear i once felt. And it’s a failure. They won’t see or understand the war that took place in my mind while they grew up, only the exhausted mom who yelled all the time. And when I’m sad or lonely, or not sure which path to choose, I have only myself to look towards to be consoled. No parents to call. Family all gone. Would you be proud of me? Probably not. To reconcile with the fact that I was always alone, that I was never safe. That I had to create my own safety, and guard it myself. You would only look at me today and see failures, even where I see success. What do you matter any way? You’re just a broken promise, a stab not in the back but in the heart. I had people along the way who really loved me, I have been truly loved in my life. But I walked past every single one of them. Who could trust that anyway. And i certainly could never mirror back to them the love they wanted. So I wander through each day, sticking to the routine that keeps us all safe and healthy and it falls solely on me to keep it that way. No cracks, no breaks. The violence and danger of when i was young replays in my head often. The things that tear my insides apart but that I’ll never speak about. Each birthday a surprise, I did not expect to live past 4,5, 6, 7 … 11,12….14…16,17,18. All the years of my childhood a shock that I survived. The feeling when you almost die, and you accept it whole heartedly not just only once but for years, you don’t come back from. To aggressively try to die your whole life just to try and turn from it now. Like death was a friend I left behind. And you can’t tell anyone. No one understands. And it’s too heavy for others to hear about. Put your brave face on and mask through every moment because no one wants to know what it took for you to be standing here today. They all have their own issues. And all of that happened so long ago anyway, what effect does it have now? Except for the love you long for but can’t feel or accept. And all the tears that no one will see. When you should be happy but you can’t be. Can you trust happiness? Is this all too dramatic? You’re just being too much about it all, get over it and move on.
